Sprookje

Part I

Two men are walking toward each other

Along 19th St. in Chelsea, Manhattan 

On a beautiful mid-afternoon summer day 

It is the 16th of September, 2020

One is wearing a green hoodie…

As they approach their eyes meet

And feelings of familiarity take place in each

They slow down 

The man in the green hoodie pauses before him

And begins to speak…

“Excuse me,

Are you Dutch?

Where are you from?

I feel we have met many years ago

…Twenty years ago

Were you living in Amsterdam

In December 2000?

I was living in Leiden then

Did you ever go out

And experience the nightlife

That winter?

To Warmosesstraat?

To Club Cockring?

In the darkroom at Cockring?

Did you ever meet a boy

In the dark

Who told you his name was Michael

And he was a student in London?

That is me!

It is you!

It is really you?

I have dreamed of this moment

For seventeen years…”

Yes!

It was incredibly special and magical

It is still magical

You have remained in my life

In the most enchanting

Unimaginable ways

Through dreams and inspiration

At the most poignant times in my life

I have searched for you

Wanting you to know

That you have provided

The greatest source of wonderment

In my life

*

I’m so sorry I kissed you 

And walked away

All those years ago

When we saw each other

For the first time in the light

After all of our nights in the dark

I was not out

I was not comfortable being myself

My name is not even Michael

It’s Anthony

I’m sorry I told you Michael

I wasn’t ready to be Anthony

doing all the things we did

That was Michael

I had just begun

To come out of a dark period

When we met

I was about to enter another–

My struggle with being gay

But when I arrived in the Netherlands

I was in a liminal space

Between the two dark ones

A place of light

And magic

A happier place

Certainly happier

Then the previous three years

It was only a few weeks

Before meeting you

That I began to choose life again

My brother died in a car accident

Three years before we met

As I waded through grief

My sexuality became harder

To push down

I didn’t want to be gay

I was envious of Joe

I wished 

Death had come for me

Not him

When I went to London 

Part of me hoped 

I could disappear

Into the clubs and drugs 

And slip away 

Completely

To the other side

*

But!

I was doing ecstasy

And the DJ’s and club scene 

In London at that time

Were on fire!

So that wasn’t likely to happen

In fact

It was making me happier

And I was attracting 

Other happy people

Who knew I was ahead of science

And the use of ‘e’ for trauma

They do that now

Perhaps not the same doses 

I was doing

But it served a purpose 

Brought me to a place

Where I understood 

It was okay to go on…

And be happy

*

It was a time to celebrate 

And I had my best friend—

Mike

Waiting for me in…

Amsterdam!

He was visiting his brother

Who was studying in Leiden

Mike was the perfect person to meet

At the beginning stages

Of emerging out of the dark from Joe

Than the previous three years

He was the person 

From the first full day without Joe

That was in the trenches with me

A bomb destroyed my world

He was the soldier by my side

As I entered a war with grief

We were living in the fraternity house

I could wake him at any hour

To talk

Or cry 

He was there

I was so happy to see Mike

And tell him first and foremost

How much better I felt

He was a brother 

In head and heart

Like the relationship I believe

Would have grown with Joe

Had it not been for Mike’s friendship

And the unconventional direction

My life took after university

I wouldn’t have been in Leiden

I wouldn’t have met…

You