Anthony van Leeuwen, Author of LGBTQ Originals
Anthony van Leeuwen, Author of LGBTQ Originals
"Anthony van Leeuwen's writing is quite like magic. Whimsy, heartache & longing live in these pages. Sprookje is both Shakespearian & unapologetically queer. Anthony van Leeuwen inspires us to seek our own fairy tales & in doing so, to find healing in unexpected ways."
--Michael Graves, Author of Parade & Dirty One
Part I
Two men are walking toward each other
Along 19th St. in Chelsea, Manhattan
On a beautiful mid-afternoon summer day
It is the 16th of September, 2020
One is wearing a green hoodie…
As they approach their eyes meet
And feelings of familiarity take place in each
They slow down
The man in the green hoodie pauses before him
And begins to speak…
“Excuse me,
Are you Dutch?
Where are you from?
I feel we have met many years ago
…Twenty years ago
Were you living in Amsterdam
In December 2000?
I was living in Leiden then
Did you ever go out
And experience the nightlife
That winter?
To Warmosesstraat?
To Club Cockring?
In the darkroom at Cockring?
Did you ever meet a boy
In the dark
Who told you his name was Michael
And he was a student in London?
That is me!
It is you!
It is really you?
I have dreamed of this moment
For seventeen years…”
Yes!
It was incredibly special and magical
It is still magical
You have remained in my life
In the most enchanting
Unimaginable ways
Through dreams and inspiration
At the most poignant times in my life
I have searched for you
Wanting you to know
That you have provided
The greatest source of wonderment
In my life
*
I’m so sorry I kissed you
And walked away
All those years ago
When we saw each other
For the first time in the light
After all of our nights in the dark
I was not out
I was not comfortable being myself
My name is not even Michael
It’s Anthony
I’m sorry I told you Michael
I wasn’t ready to be Anthony
doing all the things we did
That was Michael
I had just begun
To come out of a dark period
When we met
I was about to enter another–
My struggle with being gay
But when I arrived in the Netherlands
I was in a liminal space
Between the two dark ones
A place of light
And magic
A happier place
Certainly happier
Then the previous three years
It was only a few weeks
Before meeting you
That I began to choose life again
My brother died in a car accident
Three years before we met
As I waded through grief
My sexuality became harder
To push down
I didn’t want to be gay
I was envious of Joe
I wished
Death had come for me
Not him
When I went to London
Part of me hoped
I could disappear
Into the clubs and drugs
And slip away
Completely
To the other side
*
But!
I was doing ecstasy
And the DJ’s and club scene
In London at that time
Were on fire!
So that wasn’t likely to happen
In fact
It was making me happier
And I was attracting
Other happy people
Who knew I was ahead of science
And the use of ‘e’ for trauma
They do that now
Perhaps not the same doses
I was doing
But it served a purpose
Brought me to a place
Where I understood
It was okay to go on…
And be happy
*
It was a time to celebrate
And I had my best friend—
Mike
Waiting for me in…
Amsterdam!
He was visiting his brother
Who was studying in Leiden
Mike was the perfect person to meet
At the beginning stages
Of emerging out of the dark from Joe
Than the previous three years
He was the person
From the first full day without Joe
That was in the trenches with me
A bomb destroyed my world
He was the soldier by my side
As I entered a war with grief
We were living in the fraternity house
I could wake him at any hour
To talk
Or cry
He was there
I was so happy to see Mike
And tell him first and foremost
How much better I felt
He was a brother
In head and heart
Like the relationship I believe
Would have grown with Joe
Had it not been for Mike’s friendship
And the unconventional direction
My life took after university
I wouldn’t have been in Leiden
I wouldn’t have met…
You
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